How Unbelieving Gave Me the Freedom to Believe

I've been a non-Christian for about 4 years now.  That means that for 31 years or so, I had absolutely no idea how stifled I was.  Christianity is such a small, suffocating box.  How did I never realize that in all that time?

Over the past few years since my belief in the bible disappeared, a most unexpected joy has come from the freedom to explore other beliefs.  One of the "rules" of Christianity is that you aren't to look for answers outside of the bible.  And if you can't get a clear answer from the bible, then you just have to "have faith" that God knows the answers even when you do not.  In fact, learning about other religions and beliefs is warned against with biblical phrases such as "Beware of false prophets" and "Thou shall have no other Gods before me".  New age beliefs like meditation were dangerous because they left you open to the devil's influence over your mind, and the law of attraction was evil, because even Oprah denounced Jesus in favor of it.  So many beliefs and outside religions were always so interesting to me, but that was the draw of Satan, always looking for ways to lure me away.  At least, that's what I was to believe.  And mostly, I did.

Today, I have freedom.  Freedom to fill my head full of every and any spiritual or religious or heathen belief or practice that interests me.  The freedom to dissect them all, find out what they are, what they mean, where they come from, how their practiced, and whether or not they make sense.  That's what I crave - information, and the freedom to put the puzzle together and find out what the big picture is.  

I now have a mixture of beliefs that are all my own, all things that make sense to me, scientifically and logically.  I believe in God, or the Universe, an omniscient energy.  But that belief is so much bigger than the God Christianity limited.  Yes, I believe that Christianity even put God in a box and limited what God is, or what God could be.  I lean towards new age-y beliefs these days, but without fear that Satan's talons are stirring these thoughts around in my brain.

That's freedom, my friends.  And it's more rewarding than I could have imagined.  

~ Bonnie

The Challenge of Being Unequally Yoked

In my first post on this blog, an introduction of sorts, I wrote a little bit about my marriage in relation to my changing beliefs.  If I'm being honest, the toughest part of realizing that I wasn't a Christian anymore was breaking the news to my still-very-Baptist husband.  After all, we met at church, and when he married me, he married a strong, God fearing Christian in every sense of the description.  It was our mutual desire to raise our children as Christians and it was a large focus for our family's future.

Lots of things led up to my realization that I no longer believed in the bible and in Jesus as being divine, and I promise, one day soon I'll devote a whole separate post to that story.  For this post, however, I'll start at the point when it was no longer a question in my mind, and I knew I needed to tell my husband.

I knew that telling him that I wasn't a Christian anymore would hurt him.  I also thought it would probably scare him.  And I was afraid to have the conversation.  So I told him at the most opportunistic time possible -- when we were drunk one night in our living room, after the kids were in bed and we were relaxing and laughing and enjoying each other's company.  I remember him looking shocked.  And then concerned.  I think he even looked like he might cry.  So I quickly told him I was just joking, and that I just wanted to see his reaction.  He looked right through me as thought he didn't believe that I was joking, but that he wanted to believe that I was.  And we let it go.

Over the next few months, we warmed up to talking about it.  I think we both lost a little of our fear, and we discussed it while sober.  He was disappointed, of course.  He wanted me to go to heaven.  I reminded him that we had always believed together that once you're accept Jesus as your savior that you couldn't lose your salvation.  Saved is saved.  So if I was wrong and he was right and Jesus was going to judge me one day, that I was honestly and genuinely saved at one point, and I that I couldn't lose that, right?  That seemed to ease his mind a little, I think.  Or he was just humoring me, I'm not sure.

For the next year or so, at least, it was a tense subject that neither of us wanted to discuss.  Eventually we got to the point where we are now, where he understands how I feel and I understand how he feels, and we are ok with it.  It's still not easy, and there are definitely challenges that go along with our current situation.  But there are blessings as well.

Lets start with the blessings.  (Blessings is somewhat of a Christian-sounding word, isn't it?  You'll have to forgive me that one, it's one of the few "religious" words that I still embrace.)   One of the blessings of our situation is that while I no longer believe in the bible or in divine Jesus, I do still believe in God.  Or the Universe.  Or some divine cosmic energy.  That's huge, because I can only imagine the struggle my poor husband would have with accepting his wife was an atheist. Another blessing is that my husband and I are both open-minded people.  He believes that a lot of the popular interpretations of biblical scripture have been mistranslated and are probably misunderstood.  He's pretty solid in his belief that God has no problem with homosexuality.  That's huge, because I can only imagine the struggle I would have with him believing it was a sin, because I am a passionate supporter of LGBT equality.  Yet another blessing is that despite my changing religious beliefs, I still value human life above all, which means that I have remained Pro-Life, contrary to many of my liberal-thinking friends.  LGBT equality and Pro-Choice seem to be beliefs that are often lumped together these days, but thankfully for my marriage, abortion still doesn't sit well with my conscience.  That's not to say I don't empathize and feel for every woman, many of my close friends included, who have had to make that heart-wrenching choice.  I have no judgement for anyone, I just follow my heart.  It's a blessing, because my husband is very passionate about the issue, and I don't know how he would be able to handle me voting for legalized abortion.  His heart can only take so much!

So little things like those things that we can still connect on and agree on are so helpful as we navigate this uncharted territory.  Along with the blessings, however, our situation certainly has it's challenges.  Hardest for me is probably the fact that, out of respect for him, I still am not "out" as a non-Christian to our family and friends.  His parents and extended family are very much Christians, most of his cousins are evangelists or work for churches.  I don't want him to have to deal with the backlash of having a heathen wife, so I haven't yet admitted my changed beliefs to anyone outside of a close circle of my friends who are also non-Christians.   A couple of years ago, I did tell my closest sister, while we were talking on the phone one evening.  This sister was the least practicing Christian in my family, so I thought she would be the most understanding.  I remember her being in disbelief, as though it had never occurred to her to question Christianity.  She told me I should talk to a pastor, and sounded very concerned.  I remember telling her that I can't just choose what I believe.  It would be like realizing there's no Santa Claus, you can't just forget that you know that and choose to believe in him again.  I remember that conversation with her now and laugh, because now, two years later, that same sister is a very outspoken atheist.  It's as though she just needed me to open the door for her and show her that it was ok.  That makes me smile.
Another challenge for my family is that my kids don't know that my husband and I have differing beliefs.  We still occasionally attend church as a family, and my husband has graciously embraced a church that is a very laid back, contemporary Methodist church.  While it is still a Christian congregation, thankfully they're not a rigid, and I don't have to pretend to be devout.  I don't really pretend to be a Christian at all, but I guess it is assumed that I am one, all things considered.  I have never really told anyone otherwise at the church, except my close friend who invited me to attend that particular church in the first place.  I haven't told our kids that Daddy and I don't believe the same thing, mainly because I don't want to confuse them, or make them feel as though I think he's wrong, or he thinks I'm wrong.  It's a sticky situation, but hopefully they'll learn over time that we both feel that they should be open to learn about all religions, and choose whatever belief they feel works for them.  That seems to be working well so far with my teenage daughter, who loves the youth group at the non-denominational church she attends, but also seems to be leaning toward a belief in re-incarnation.  A little bit of my husband's and my beliefs both, in one amazing girl.  So I have hope that my two younger kids, ages 4 and 6, will ease into their own beliefs in much the same way.

There are certainly more challenges to my husband and I having differing beliefs, and I hope to touch on them in future posts.  I've been typing for too long tonight, so I am going to wrap this up.  Overall, I will say that the biggest positive to all of this is that my husband really loves me.  And I really love him as well.  Even when I get so frustrated that he doesn't see what I see, I understand that he needs Christianity, and that it is working for him.  And I have to remember that that is okay.  Overall, I am grateful that we have such a common respect for each other, and that our friendship is strong enough to weather the toughest times that our beliefs can sometimes throw at us.

More later, and thank you for reading this far!

~ Bonnie 

Why I'll Still Be Eating at Chick-fil-A

"I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there." ~ Mother Teresa

In light of the controversy about Chick-fil-A reportedly condemning gay marriage recently, this quote by Mother Teresa came to my mind.  It is one of my favorite quotes, and I try to live by its wisdom in my own life; putting my energy into the things that I support, instead of putting my energy into the things I am against.  I happen to be very much in support of equality for all people, and in this day and age, that heavily means that I support LGBT rights.

The media has reported this week that Dan Cathy, the President of Chick-fil-A, recently made anti-gay statements and took a firm stand against gay marriage.  Haven't we learned yet not to trust the media without digging into the truth ourselves?  I have.  So I did some research.  Turns out that the subject of gay marriage, or even homosexuality, was never mentioned in the interview at all.

But wait... CNN clearly reported that "the comments of company President Dan Cathy about gay marriage to Baptist Press on Monday have ignited a social media wildfire." and that "Cathy said 'Guilty as charged,' when asked about his company’s support of the traditional family unit as opposed to gay marriage."  And TIME magazine's headline stated "Boston Mayor Blocks Chick-fil-A Franchise from City over Homophobic Attitude".  And what about the Los Angeles Times article titled "Is Chick-fil-A anti-gay marriage?  'Guilty as charged,' leader says"?


Hmm... Here's what the article actually said.  And exactly what Dan Cathy said:

Some have opposed the company's support of the traditional family. "Well, guilty as charged," said Cathy when asked about the company's position.
"We are very much supportive of the family -- the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that.
"We operate as a family business ... our restaurants are typically led by families; some are single. We want to do anything we possibly can to strengthen families. We are very much committed to that," Cathy emphasized.
"We intend to stay the course," he said. "We know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles."

So going back to Mother Teresa's quote, I have to believe that it is astonishingly biased and juvenile to surmise from that article alone that Cathy is homophobic, and to report that he is against gay marriage.  Some might argue that saying you are for traditional marriage is the same thing as saying that you are against gay marriage.  I have to respectfully disagree.  And I have to respect that Cathy was completely positive in his overall message and stance on what he supports, without once speaking on anything he is against.

This is America, where people are entitled to their opinions.  Where people should be allowed to have a voice and speak about what they believe without being bullied into conformity.  It's ok to live your life by biblical standards.  I may not choose Christianity as a religion, but who am I to tell someone else they can't?

After all that has been said, as a passionate supporter of LGBT equality, I just don't see Dan Cathy as a hateful homophobe.  I was honestly considering jumping on the bandwagon of people who are boycotting Chick-fil-A, until I researched the truth.  This is what the media so often does...  it herds people like sheep into putting their energy and passion into what seems a popular cause.

Equality is a worthy and important cause.  But I still firmly believe that hating and fostering negativity towards those opposed isn't productive.  Rather, take a page from Mother Teresa.  Speak up, show love, educate.
After all, love always wins in the end, right?


UPDATE:
In doing further research, I discovered that part of the controversy is rooted in a radio interview Dan Cathy gave this week on The Ken Coleman Show (Saturdays, 2-3 ET., WDUN, AM 550/102.9 FM Gainesville, GA).  On the show, Cathy again spoke about his belief in traditional marriage as dictated in the Bible.  Again, he didn't speak about what he is against, but rather, what he supports.

Here's an audio excerpt of Cathy's radio interview:




So what can we glean from that?  Simple. The man believes that the Bible, and therefore God, says that marriage is between a woman and a man, and that if we redefine marriage, we are inviting God's judgement.  Again, I assert that he has a right to believe that way.  And I don't think that believing that way makes him a hateful homophobe.  In fact, I know many Christians who feel this way, and while I think that they're wrong, I know that they are kind and loving people.  They're just believing what they were taught, and they don't know how to see outside that box.  They don't believe that they're even allowed to.  

So, my position on the matter remains the same.  I'm still going to eat at Chick-fil-A.  I'm going to support the hardworking employees who need their incomes to help their families, some of them likely identifying as LGBT themselves.  Occasionally, I'll probably invite my gay friends to come along and eat with me, and I'm sure they'll be greeted and served in the same open and welcoming way that I've always been treated every single time I've entered a Chick-fil-A restaurant.  My husband and I are always impressed at the standard response to any request we make of a Chick-fil-A employee... "It's my pleasure!".  And they always seem to genuinely mean it as well.

Speak up, show love, and educate.  <3


~Bonnie

A Little of My Back Story

I was raised Christian.  I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't know who Jesus was, or when I wasn't praying to Him to save me, yet again, from whatever sin (or all the sins) I had recently committed, because I was certain that those sins separated me from God, and likely put me on a course to hell, if I were to suddenly die unexpectedly.

That was my belief system for 30 years.  I went to church as a child, sporadically with my family, and by myself, by choice, as a teenager.  My parents identified their beliefs as Pentecostal, so I was familiar and comfortable among the 'holy rollers", and remember times when I was the only one standing in a room full of people who were laying on the floor, consumed by the power of the Holy Spirit.  I was that kind of child, who refused to conform to be accepted, or to fake it to look as religious as the next.  In those days, I believed that that sort of occurrence was possible, and wondered why it never happened to me.  I stood there, on my feet with eyes closed, praying fervently for the Holy Spirit to do with me what He was doing with all the other people in the room, who were blissfully collapsed as though they had been rewarded for their faithfulness.  I never fell, though.  Not even under the loud, powerful prayer of the pastor, or the powerful push of his hand on my forehead while he administered my prayer.

When my parents got into a disagreement with the pastor of our church, which happened a few times in my youth, they would stop going to church altogether, for a few years or more, until they found another church or pastor that interested them.  In my teenage years, I was lonely and looking for a place to belong, and I started attending the Baptist church across the street from our house.  I loved the youth group there, I felt accepted to a point, and I enjoyed going. For years I went by myself, every Wednesday evening and Sunday morning.  I was in the choir for a while, volunteered in the nursery, and I enjoyed the "family" feel of the Baptist denomination.

I continued going to Baptist church as a young adult.  All of my friends in my twenties were Christians, many of them I met at church.  We weren't the strict kind of Christians that didn't drink or swear, and we spent a lot of our twenties just having fun, drinking on the weekends together, either at my apartment or out at dance clubs or karaoke bars.  But Christianity was our foundation, we believed it and it overshadowed our morals and major choices in life.  There were numerous times when we organized bible studies together, simply because we enjoyed it.  As a very young adult, I have memories of driving to a nearby lake with a small waterfall, and sitting with my two best friends and singing songs about God together, enjoying nature and each others company and like-mindedness.  And of course, on Wednesday nights and most Sunday mornings, we were all in church together.

In my early twenties, I met my future husband in the College and Careers class at church.  We went every Wednesday together for years, we became best friends and were close friends with a handful of others from the same class.  After a few years of close friendship and then a few years of dating, we got married, equally yoked in a Christian ceremony.  I was a practicing, believing Christian woman who felt strongly about raising our children in church and in a Christian home.  My husband was thrilled to have met and married a woman with such strong faith and belief in the Bible.

For five years our marriage followed that Christian path.  We took our kids to church, they enjoyed Sunday School and learning about God.  I played Christian music in the car and enjoyed teaching them about Christianity by reading them stories from their Children's Bibles.  We all enjoyed Veggie Tales DVDs and we liked popping into the Christian Bookstore once in a while to pick out Bible themed toys or games.  At Christmas time, I always carefully chose Christmas cards that focused on the "Reason for the Season", the birth of Christ.  I felt it was important to read the story of Jesus' birth to the kids on Christmas Eve, and it made me proud to display my large, expensive, very detailed Nativity figures in a prominent place in our home during the holiday season.

Until about 3 years ago, that was my belief system, my life pattern, my reality and my comfort.  I remember it fondly, and sometimes I even miss it - the blind faith, the false sense of truth and security.

I'm not a Christian anymore.  I no longer believe that the bible is the Book of God, and I no longer believe that Jesus is (was) the Son of God, or Divine in any way that is different than the Divinity that we all possess.    This blog will delve into how and why my beliefs changed, as well as serve as an outlet for me to discuss all the thoughts I have on this subject that are ever bouncing around in my head daily.  I'll talk about how my still-devout Christian husband and I have weathered my changing beliefs, and managed to maintain love and support for each other.

Please come back and read my thoughts and experiences and ramblings as I sort them into posts on my blog.  Feel free to comment or ask questions, for I always enjoy an intelligent conversation or respectful debate!  :)

~  Bonnie